A couple of years ago, I went to visit my family in the Dominican Republic. There I was met with no hot water, rolling blackouts, and a shitload of mosquitos. Though it wasn't too bad, just imagine a suburban home sans cable, reliable electricity, and pure water. Every night, I would sit in a small bedroom and watch TV (that is, when I didn't get a chance to go anywhere). To my misfortune, Dominican television consisted of news stations that had the same news stories and the obligatory Hispanic singing show. All I had for entertainment was a stack of bootleg DVDs that I got from a guy who was also selling porn. I'll tell ya, seeing a porno DVD cover with your grandfather right beside you is a REALLY awkward feeling. Anyway I had a variety of movies to watch: Pan's Labyrinth (great movie), Live Free or Die Hard (meh movie), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (cool but a bit boring), King of Beggars (a really obscure kung-fu movie, I highly recommend it) and IT. After watching Pan's Labyrinth for possibly the 67th time, I saw a DVD cover with a hand rising from the ground. It was a horror movie that is scary for a completely unintended reason. Unknowing of the horror that lies before me, I read the title:
I pop the disc into the DVD player and was met with what may be the worst movie that I have ever seen. From the get-go I knew that it wasn't going to be a masterpiece, I was hoping for some "so bad that it's good" material. But that is not what I got, my friends. I got a movie that was produced by Satan himself.
So the movie starts, and it becomes clear that the main characters of this cinematic abortion was the typical rag-tag group of teenagers. Teenagers with hair so ridiculous that Lady GaGa would blush, it's as if they were anime characters brought to life. But, oh, it doesn't end there, no, no. You see, the whole movies centers around a video game that is in a parking garage. Yes, the entire movie takes place in a fucking parking garage. At that point, I kept watching in a trance of sorts as if the movie was attempted to pull me in. Everything else after that was a blur. I awoke the next morning to be met with the same hand that has pulled me into this wretched film and as I saw the movie's dull menu, it is then that I realized that Subtreano has stolen my soul. It is too late for me now. A technicolor garage type hell awaits me. But I will leave these words of caution:
Please. Avoid this movie at all costs.
STAY AWAY!